The Influence of Fear

The meeting ends and everyone’s laughing at something you said. You smile, nod, and get off the call. You replay the comment in your head, picking apart every word. Did that sound stupid? Were they laughing with me? Or at me?

This is how it feels to be living in our self-concepts, ignoring the lived space of our own body and mind. We naturally get caught up in our stories and fantasies, our imagination and our internal concept of ourselves. We move through our days, indeed, through our lives, all-consumed by these fantasies, dragging our body and mind around, totally inattentive to them.

Fear of the Self

If we check, we may notice that we don’t fully appreciate ourselves. We may not approach ourselves with the same level of acceptance we would want to offer to others. We might aim to approach others with an attitude of kindness and geniality but tend to be harsh, judgmental and overly critical when it comes to ourselves. Why this lack of kindness? Why this non-acceptance of the current state of our mind and body? Why the alienation and lack of care and consideration for ourselves?

I believe that fear is at the root of the problem. We crave certainty and safety. And yet we don’t know what’s happening inside our body and mind. There is so much going on in our own body and mind that it triggers our fear of the unknown. We do not know if we can emotionally and practically handle the challenges that lie ahead. Perhaps our bodies don’t behave exactly as we want them to, or our minds don’t always have all the answers.

By the time we reach adulthood, we have had many unpleasant experiences and many painful, unpleasant emotions that we would rather not experience again. This brings a strong feeling of being stuck in an undesirable situation, a fear, a sense of overwhelm. We don’t know what to do with ourselves. If we acknowledged honestly how we thought we were, how we looked, how we acted, it might be too painful. As a result, what we hold on to is a sense of ourselves that’s pure imagination: a version of ourselves that differs significantly from what we would see if we looked honestly. This is the make-believe self we hold on to.

Fear of Others

Our relationship to others is similarly characterized by fear. Other people are unpredictable. This brings up the fear of the unknown. Even if a child acts unpredictably, we are unlikely to be endangered by their behavior. They don’t generally say or do things that cause us harm in the same way an adult could. We are more powerful than a child while an adult peer may have as much, or even more power than we do, giving us a legitimate reason to be afraid of unpredicted behavior. Recognizing that fear is also recognizing the fact that we are vulnerable. As a result, we distance ourselves and remain guarded.

As adults, we often find ourselves being very comfortable around animals and children yet less comfortable and much more guarded, around other adults. Children and pets often bring us a deep warmth and sense of comfort. But there is a great distance between us and most adults we interact with. Many people prefer animal companionship to interpersonal relationships. Under the right circumstances we can empathize with one another, work together, collaborate, and feel a meaningful connection. But this is not the norm.

Why this distance from our peers? While we might commit to care for an animal or a child, it is much harder for us to commit to adults, to really be willing to be dragged through whatever experience they’re going through. We feel they could cause us harm, or that we wouldn’t have the capacity to care for them. We might be right.

Committing to another adult means willingly putting ourselves in a position of vulnerability. It means experiencing with them all the complexities of their unique lives and unique problems. We might come to carry the weight of their struggles as our own.

Fearlessness as a Foundation for Powerful Leadership

As our minds become more peaceful and we gain a better understanding of ourselves and better control over our own emotions, we fear our own body and mind less. As a result we become less vulnerable to harm. As we become less vulnerable, we become less afraid. As we become less afraid, we can more honestly acknowledge the truth of what is going on within our own bodies and minds. This allows us to connect more readily and more deeply with others.

This is why training in fearlessness is a foundation for strong leadership. The leaders we admire most aren’t fearless, they’re afraid of different things. While most people fear judgment from others, powerful leaders fear inauthenticity.

Fearlessness implies that we have gotten to know ourselves better and become more comfortable within ourselves. This brings more confidence in our dealings with others. Leading in this way, based on kindness and curiosity towards ourselves, kindles our ability to have open, honest relationships with others. We can recognize our common wishes and experiences. We can shift from “you and me” to “us”, just people together.

This enables us to engage with others safely and commit to others with less fear. When we commit to others, we bind our fate together with theirs. We say, from the heart, “we are in this together.” We put ourselves at risk. Yet, precisely because we put ourselves at risk we unlock huge potential for greater benefit, stronger collaborations and deeper connections.

Shared Fearlessness as an Act of Inner Transformation

It’s a big step. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and commit to another person, we are opening up both the possibility for something wonderful and something terrible to occur. We are opening the possibility of more richness in our lives while also opening the possibility of encountering more pain. However, when we commit deeply to one another there is so much more we can accomplish. In this way, connecting deeply with others is a powerful act of inner transformation.

This week, notice one moment when you choose guardedness over honesty with another adult. Just notice it. No judgment. Facing the truth of our own mind is a goal in itself.